I've started watching Desperate Housewives again recently (don't judge me!!!) and I just finished an episode called 'If' where they all start to wonder about the decisions they'd made in their lives and what if... just what if... they had chosen differently.
And it got me thinking about that fork in the road where my friends and I once stood not too long ago. Some times I imagine myself back there; at the crossroads of my life, about to make a life changing decision trying to see as far down the roads as possible. I took the road towards Oxford, a little town of aging stone work, worn cobblestone streets and grandiose ceilings. And here I am now, sitting on my bench at midnight looking out the window at the drizzle falling gently over dreaming spires. And as I stare at the rain falling through the night, I can't help but wonder "What if..."
What if I'd gone to London... and instead of sitting in my dorm, I'm in a cab in the middle of the city. And when I look out the window, it isn't quiet and sleepy but bustling with nightlife and neon lights and noise. Girls will be running around in skirts and heels and leggings but wrapped up in winter coars because its just that kind of weather. And there could be a hurricane outside but these Brits will queue up for entry no matter what. I'd be squished up with WY, Varoot and Jasamine after catching some musical/ movie, heading to one of many London nightclubs to dance the night away with copious amounts of cider.
What if I'd gone to Melbourne U where right now its 11.00 a.m. and I could be staring listlessly out a lecture theatre window at people dressed in jeans and t-shirts, enjoying the sunshine. And I'm in here tapping my pen listening to the lecturer drone on in an Australian drawl waiting desperately for my elective class to end so I can go meet up with SY or Sarah or Kylie or Cait or maybe all of them for lunch. And we'd chat up a storm about our week, friends in other places and everything under the sun... over much craved for Asian food. We'd go shopping and attempt to curb Sarah's shopaholic tendencies and calm SY's horror at the exchange rate.
Or what if I'd gone to America... Sarah Lawrence, Princeton, Smith... and its 8.00 p.m. and I'm looking out a dorm room window at the snow falling down (because for some reason in that strange country they're still getting snow days when here its all but melted into spring.) And I'm inside wondering what kind of snowman to make later, cooking up some random shizz with Prudy and Alli, drinking hot chocolate (extra chocolate bars please) with Sara or fighting over marshmallows and watching random Youtube videos with KS. And I'd tell them about my day when I almost got run over because cars drive on the wrong side of the road over there. And no matter which of them I'm with they'd all still laugh and shake their heads and say "Oh Jas..."
Or what if I hadn't gone anywhere at all but just decided to stay in Penang and go to USM just 5 minutes down the road. Right now it'd be 8.00 a.m. and I'd be waking up in my own bed, pulling the curtains away from the sliding glass doors. I'd go downstairs for breakfast and then get into my little black car to drive the 5 minutes to campus because that's how we roll. And when class is over, I'd get lunch at that little cafe I've been going too for over 15 years, meet up with Darren and hand him some ban chiang kuih, pick my brother up from school where all the teachers will ask how I'm doing and random people will hug me. Then I'll drive down Batu Ferringhi road in the sunshine listening to Taylor Swift and my brother snoring in the back...
And all those hundreds of images that fill my head - dancing the night away in a London nightclub, laughing over badly shaped sushi (so I've been told) in an Australian Japanese restaurant, sticking one of my friend's shirts on an American snowman, cursing at rude Penang drivers... all of that just whirls and swirls and condenses abruptly into one me. The me who is sitting here, in front of this window living this life in this place. See in life... no matter how many choices we face... in the end we can only choose one and we can only choose once. We can sit and dream but in the end it all boils down to the here and now.
I could tell you not to wonder about what you can't have. But what's the point? We all wonder... all of us... every day... don't we? Don't we all wonder about how our lives could've gone "if only"? Its not a dissatisfaction with the lives we lead now, its just curiosity. Humans are a curious, contemplative bunch and we like to wonder about our choices. And I like it that way. I like wondering.
And all those hundreds of images I have swirling in my head on days when I should really be finishing my tutorial work... those are only possible because of the stories my friends tell me. I can't live out all those different lives myself but through my friends... I get a little glimpse of another life. They are the links to lives I could've led and through them I see the world.
Don't be strangers guys =)
P.S. Sorry if this was a little long... it started really short. HONEST! But then I started wondering and wondering and well... I may have got just a little carried away. Sorry if its a little inaccurate. Like I know Prudy doesn't actually have a kitchen but we'll just pretend if I'm with her I'll have one. Its called creative liberties people!!
